Getting the show on the road

Well, the blog is built. So there.

One thing I don't (and probably won't) say on "About Us" page is how I can't handle the idea that people might see the ugly parts of my life. And unfortunately, my marriage is one of the ugliest.

I think it's important for me to get down in writing in the very first post that I will be totally honest. Not just about the specifics of the project, but about how my marriage is working. That is to say, that it isn't working. This project is just the most recent in a long line of tactics, strategies, ideas, and theories to make my marriage something other than the horrible festering sore that it has become. I've been fighting since before I was married to make this relationship work, stupidly got married, and stupidly thought that something would change. I look back on the man I got engaged to and don't see the same man at all.

Why did I marry this one? It was that first guy that I wanted.

My husband, S, was laid off at the very beginning of the recession and hasn't been able to find a job since. He's become depressed and although he puts on a brave face, the lethargy - more like ennui - effects every part of his life. Despite my attempts, positive talk, positive reinforcement, consensus building, talking things out, and offering help have not improved things. Cajoling, nagging, yelling, crying, and guilting haven't worked either. Requests to go to counseling are met with hostility. Nothing works.

I'm desperately hoping that this idea will work. Before the depression set in he was a very social person; I'm hoping to get him into some social situations (that don't involve alcohol) to bring him back to life. If nothing else, maybe shaking up our nightly routine of YouTube video watching will stir something in him.

But I swear, even if it doesn't, no matter how much I want to hide from the world that I've come to despise him and that my bitterness is making me as different from the real me as the depression is making him different from the real him, I will tell the truth.